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Incomplete

Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Hey, it's Gail. I know this isn't your usual #WisdomWednesday post (we'll get to that later) but I just felt like pouring myself out into this blog for today. Lately I've been feeling quite unhappy - wait, replace that word - incomplete. There are still areas of my life where I feel happy, but even though that may be true, I cannot ignore the throbbing feeling of being incomplete.

No, this is not some ridiculous post by a recently-broken-up-with girl about being incomplete due to the absence of an "other half". You're welcome. This post is about life. This is about passion. This is about wanting to do something or be somewhere. This is about the loud voice at the back of my head that I've managed to silence for the past three years.

First, story time.

I think I've said it before, but three years ago, I entered college with a course that required me to sacrifice all of my time for its requirements. That was when I started to give up on my dream of publishing novels. I began to prioritize graduating and getting a job as an architect. I soon shifted to a course which I thought would fill the creative void in my heart, but instead of doing that, the void has gotten even deeper. All of my thoughts were about college (exams, essays, projects, all that shit), and the need to write was pushed away because I started to look at it as a distraction. I believed that pursuing the dream was pointless, and that all of my efforts should be directed to graduating.

Mistake after mistake after mistake.

It just feels like I've taken a dangerous swerve in my journey, that I've strayed too far. I know I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

Right now, I just feel so creatively deprived. It feels as though my creative cup has been emptied out and made to bask under the sun. I feel dry. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I feel like a huge part of me has been sliced off. I do not feel like the same girl that I was three years ago, the girl who was full of determination, passion and creativity. And I miss her.

I was once made of colors, but now my world is gray.

People tell me to write, but it isn't so simple when you have no time. I promise you that I have tried to make time to write but college has proven itself to be a living hell. People give me things to write, but even though I like writing, it isn't the same. I know I have said that I want to be a writer, but I want to write things that I want to write. I want to write stories, novels, trilogies. It would be extremely difficult for anyone to understand me unless they have similar passions. Some people choose to ignore dreams and stick with the dull reality of life. I want to choose otherwise.

Some people fill their hearts with success, some with money, and some with vices.  I fill my heart with words and stories, and now my heart is cold and empty. I am incomplete. 

I fear that if I go on, if I continue to live each day with only this dull future in my head, my heart will become black, and there won't be any way to turn it back.

I want to feel whole again.

Photo credit: Cameron Kirby
4 comments on "Incomplete"
  1. hope you can solve everything, keep strong!

    Please check my Blog!! :)

    http://www.alessabernal.com/

    Alessa Bernal :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so too, Alessa! Thanks for checking out my blog. Will visit yours later x

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  2. So amazing that you were brave enough to post this story on here — mainly because it's not finished yet. Keep fighting and you'll get back to color in no time :)

    -Alexa
    http://misfitalexa.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Alexa. Thanks, I hope so, too. :)

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