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Wednesday, July 10, 2019

I'm amazing because I say so

Would you believe me if I told you that the old Gail would never dare to share her opinion on anything just because she was a scared little girl?

Well, it's true. This sassy, held-back-by-nothing girl was once the exact opposite of that. For more than twelve years, she was afraid of the world. She had zero confidence. Up until high school, she was known for being the shy girl who was so obsessed with maintaining her grade that spent her lunch breaks in the library. Looking back at my old self now, I was pretty boring. Insert cringe.

But why was that? And what made me cut that old version of myself out of my life's narrative? Was it just because I wanted to be like Taylor Swift and say, "I'm sorry, the old Gail can't come to the phone right now. She's dead."?

See... To me, greatness was reserved for those who were "made for it". It took me a while to understand that everyone can claim greatness, and that life isn't necessarily favoring those who are richer, prettier, or smarter. Yes, it's true that some people are more privileged than others, therefore making things easier and more accessible for them. But, regardless of what "level" in life you stand at, you still have the choice to elevate yourself and reach the seemingly impossible.

Countless opportunities to show off what I could do had were within my reach, yet I was always too afraid to take them. Comparing myself to others was a common instance; there'd be times when I'd think that I would only make a fool out of myself for thinking I could ever be as great as the other kids. I knew I had potential. I just didn't have the courage to unleash it.

I was tired of being the old Gail. Being labeled as reserved, obedient and quiet was something I was so ready to say goodbye to forever. I was tired of having to keep up with this identity that people had gotten accustomed to seeing. I got sick of constantly playing daydream after daydream of the life that I wish I had. I couldn't take any more of people saying, "Oh, Gail can't do that, she doesn't like that kind of thing." I got tired of others saying I couldn't do things, when in fact, I should've been the only one to decide whether or not I would be able to do them.

I was an entirely different person at home because I was comfortable there. It was a no judgement zone. It was a "you gotta deal with it" zone. But, kidding aside, I had so many pent up frustrations about who I was. Deep inside, I knew that the true Gail was a sassy bitch who wanted to speak up and call out people who needed to be called out. I knew that the true Gail hated illogical rules. I knew that the true Gail wanted to fight for change. I knew that the true me was a lot stronger, fiercer, and gave zero fucks.

I was just too scared of what people thought of me, so I held myself back for so many years. But, as with all things and all people, when we've gotten so tired of something, we eventually break. In my case, breaking was good.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't waste another chance yet again. I was going to start fresh, being the Gail that I knew I wanted to be: outspoken, sassy, driven and confident. You know when I said that home was a "you gotta deal with it" zone? Well, I decided that everyone else was going to have to deal with it, too.

Gail was, and is, awesome.

And everyone else was just going to have to accept that.

So much of the world had been taken from me all because old Gail was too afraid. All because she was too weak. I was ready to take it all back with both hands.

I saw a change in myself instantly. I dressed different. I carried myself different. I spoke different. By simply deciding that I was going to go for it and become the person I wanted to be, I felt so free. I no longer felt like I had to keep up with two versions of myself: the true me, and the one that people knew.

My confidence grew a thousand times. I finally believed in myself, and I wasn't afraid of letting people see that. I used to be scared of speaking up because of what people might think, but now I'm like, "Fuck it." I used to be shy in class, not answering questions because I didn't want people to think I was a know-it-all, but I just thought, "You know what, I'm not going to see these people again in a couple of years, so who cares what they think?"

I was, and am, amazing because I want to be amazing. I'm all these things because I say so.

Let's face it. We can't blame anything or anyone for how our lives turn out. We can't blame our parents. We can't blame our friends. We can't blame the past. The only person we can blame at the end of the day is ourselves. Each of us has the choice to make something out of this one life that we're given, and if you just stay put, moping and sulking, then you've wasted it and that's actually really disappointing.

You decide who you want to become. I'm a firm believer that when you act like the best person in the room (humbly, of course), people will start believing that you are the best person in the room. And let me tell you, believing in yourself is the key to everything.

So, you decide... are you going to live a life that's just ordinary, uneventful and full of doubts and insecurity? Or, are you going to become who you were meant to be and not waste a single moment?

Choice is yours. But if I were you, I'd go for the latter. ;)

If you want a post on how I learned to be confident, let me know in the comments below!

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