What are you looking for?
Tuesday, September 17, 2019

My biggest mistake in relationships

I'm not a very hopeful person. People would say I'm the "realest" and that I think with logic more than the average person. Decisions in my life are mostly calculated and strategic. I like having a dash of negativity because it forces me to be more practical with my actions and choices. But, ironically, I have been hopeful in one aspect of my life where I shouldn't just be leaning on just hope: my relationships.

My frequent mistake has been saying yes to boys I'm not even sure of. While most people would take their time before committing, I would agree to a relationship even if I was uncertain. I had this assumption that I should just say yes, because I'll get to know him better along the way, anyway. I would agree to be someone's girlfriend even if my head and heart were filled with signs telling me to dodge that bullet. After all, they say in relationships, each day is a chance for growth. Unfortunately, I took that too literally. I put too much faith into the uncertain.

While in those relationships, I would often think about breaking things off. I would wonder when (and if) I would finally be able to tolerate certain things. A voice in my head would tell me to carry on, to just be a bit more patient, and to trust that things will get better. But they never did. My friends would often call me out for spreading my patience too thinly, and that I was just letting go of any standards I had set. I guess I was too hopeful.

But not anymore.

I've learned that hanging on to the hope of someone eventually changing to become what you want in a partner is pointless. Very rarely, people change; and most of the time, even if you were filled with good intentions, and even if your patience was at the brink of breaking yet you held on, they paint you as the horrible one. I'm through with telling myself, "He'll grow up eventually," or, "His bad traits won't last forever."

It was silly of me to commit to something that I could only see a day into, or two days into. My sights for those relationships were set on a very short string. It was as if I was walking along a very foggy road, ready to turn back at any time, yet my feet were being carried forward merely by wishful thinking.

The doors to my heart used to be so open. But now, I'm just leaving a tiny crack. I'm cracking open the door to my heart, leaving a very narrow space only for those who deserve to be there. I used to turn a blind eye to red flags, but now I welcome them with my head instead of my heart. So now, when a guy shows me blaring red flags early into the dating stage, I don't ignore them. I speak up. I don't smile and act polite in the fear of scratching someone's ego. 

The standards are back and brighter than ever. I'm not looking for someone whom I think I'll learn to accept at some point; I'm searching for a partner whom I'm sure of.

It makes finding a partner difficult, but honestly, I'd rather be single than be with someone I merely settled for. It's better to be lonely now, than to spend each day feeling lost, anxious, and confused with someone whom you thought could give you happiness. 

Add your comment

Comments make me happy! <3

Subscribe for the latest news